Heart Centered Denial: How to Say ‘No’ With Love

Your third-grade teacher would be proud... you're a reasonably high-functioning adult. You could often be accused of doing the right thing and you play well with others.

But sometimes doing the right thing, taking care of everybody else, doing your duty and living out the archetypes of The Perfect Son or the Perfect Sister or the Perfect Wife or the Perfect Employee isn't what it's cracked up to be.

In fact, as hard as it is to admit, I've learned in my own spiritual practice that often the tiny little things I say yes to in order to do the right thing have had enormous negative consequences on my health, my energy levels and my own growth.

Why? Because everything is energy. And all energy is conscious. When we say "Yes" with our words, but everything in our body and emotional state is screaming NO, we are out of alignment with our own Inner Being. We are betraying ourselves.

And that is truly one of the greatest ways we can harm ourselves. I know people who suddenly got cancer and died far before their time to also be the same people who were known for giving always to everybody and being the tantamount caregiver.

So learning to say no isn't just important; it's vital: For life. For spiritual evolution. For your health, not to mention your basic happiness {oh that little thing? Who needs happiness!?}

At a certain point you have to choose whether you want to continue to give away to others the invaluable life force, brilliance and only-ever-once expression of the divine that you are... draining you of the ability to birth all the unique universes of joy and experience you as a Soul planned for this life...

Or whether you will begin to live your fullest life FOR YOU, putting yourself first and realizing that everyone else is responsible for themselves.

Giving generates our receiving only when we give from our heart, from a space of joy, when we are giving because it brings us so much joy in that moment to give. We are doing it actually for ourselves, because at our core we enjoy giving to others and our world.

Giving generates more lack when we are giving because we think we must, or because it's our duty or because what might people think?

Whenever you are giving to, or helping others, and you feel resistance, frustration, as though you're being taken advantage of, or stressed because you have to but don't necessarily want to... these are times when you're actually manifesting more lack for yourself.

It would be better to say NO, with love, which is saying YES to yourself.

Oh but wait, I know what you're thinking: I don't have a choice. I HAVE to do these things...

Why Saying No is So Hard

If you've ever found yourself in the habit of saying yes to too many demands, taking on too many responsibilities, or too often putting others before yourself, it probably feels like you didn't have a choice in those circumstances. After all, loyalty, love and responsibility dictate these things you have to do, right?

Nope. Other than basic necessities like keeping your children fed and not dead, you DO have a choice. You always have a choice.

What is more likely happening is that you're saying yes so quickly and automatically, that you don't consciously register that a decision has even taken place. Yet this entirely gives your power away. The power of choice is one of the greatest powers we have. Without it we have no freedom. Without it we have made ourselves prisoners of our own life.

"But When I Say No I Hurt People..."

Perhaps you said yes for so long that one day you exploded at your boss or your teenager, or you walked out on your family for an evening because it was all just too much to handle.

Or maybe you left someone you love to fend for themselves and they didn't. And they got hurt.

These explosive moments of powerful "No" can be terrifying. We say things we didn't mean. We hurt the people we love. Or we wrest a moment of empowerment, but pay with the knowledge that it led to the harm of someone we love.

And so afterwards we promise ourselves to never say no again.

Your circumstances may not have ever been nearly as dramatic and your decision to always say yes may have been more subconscious. However the result is the same: you find yourself saying yes far too often and you've lost the art of saying no.

So let me recommend this heart meditation, to learn how to say NO, with love. I encourage you to do it on a daily basis, particularly during times of great decision or overwhelm.

This meditation will help you get centered and clear about where your heart is in the matter so that you can deliver your message, whatever it turns out to be, with a compassionate tone and from a heart-centered space.

Using this meditation, you will train yourself to be fully present during all of your communications, and to no longer fear taking care of yourself with an occasional, powerful NO.

Saying NO, With Love ~ A Heart Centered Meditation Exercise

The following exercise is based on the Buddhist loving kindness meditations that you may be familiar with if you have studied meditation.

It will connect you to the blissful heart state that is perfect for when you have to say no with love. This meditation can be done in 30 seconds to one minute, making it practical for most immediate situations as well as a daily practice. However don't be surprised if the meditation continues on ~ this is an opportunity for a powerfully transformative conversation within you.

  • Sit, or lie down in a comfortable position on your back
  • Close your Eyes if it's safe to do so
  • Take a Deep Breath In for 4 Beats
  • Hold for 2 Beats
  • Exhale Fully
  • Let Yourself Relax
  • Notice Your Body Sensations ~ what are you feeling physically? Is your chest tight or is there tension in a certain area? Any sense of peace or cool refreshing flow through parts of your body?
  • Just take note of the sensations without trying to make meaning out of them or assign a reason/emotion.
  • Bring your attention next into your heart area and check in to see: What are you feeling there right now? Note any sensations such as tightness, pressure, expansiveness or warmth. Also notice any strong emotion such as love, gratitude, grief, fear or anxiety.
  • Next, bring to mind someone you absolutely love. When you think of them you feel joy and happiness.  It could be a loved one, a friend, someone who inspires you or maybe a pet. It can be someone you know personally or someone you admire such as a spiritual guru or leader.  Imagine them in front of you and notice what you are feeling in your heart when you think of them.
  • Now connect with a sense of unconditional love ~ this is a person, guru or pet you know loves you no matter what. Take a moment to simply feel the flow of unconditional love between you and them. In the space of this love and heart-centered openness, you know that whatever you have to say they will understand. Know that even if you must say no, it is wrapped in love and understanding.
  • Even though this person may not be the person you will be saying no to later on, let yourself experience explaining yourself to them, and to experience their kindness, openness and unconditional acceptance of you, even while you're saying no.
  • Watch or listen to yourself as you explain to this safe, loving person your situation and how you want to handle it. How do you explain your "no" with love to this person you know will understand and respect your choice?
  • When you are complete with your meditation feel free to take notes on anything that came through that you'd like to say in person when you actually deliver your no, with love.

Once you perform this exercise you will experience the feeling and heart-centered place you want to come from and present to the real person in your life that you want to say no to. By carrying the loving, accepting and respectful energy of your meditation into your conversation, you deliver your choice from a space that is kind and loving instead of overwhelmed, guilty, angry or resentful.

It's okay to say no. It's also necessary for a whole and healthy life. Keep practicing your no's with love, and you'll be surprised how much spaciousness, magic and clarity can open up in your life.

 

Hey. I’m Jaime.

I’m a clairvoyant energy healer, initiated shaman in the Q’ero Andean tradition, and teacher of manifestation and spiritual transformation since 2009.

I’m here to live a magical life, and to help you do the same. Let’s make it awesome.

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Comments 3

  1. Thank you for this. I didn’t have a need to say no, however, I did have a need to talk with someone about a “drama” that continues to play out in my life. I found that friend in this meditation.

    Thanks for your practical assistance in the most timely fashion for me, today.

  2. A definite must read for those of us that “think” saying the dreaded “NO” is a bad thing! Thank you, for making it so beautiful. 🙂

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