The Secret I Could Never Tell
Jul 08
Photo by Compound Eye
It’s those very things that fracture us that become like glue to deliver us whole and newly made. Let what breaks you reveal the blessing that puts you back together.
Have you ever had a secret you thought you couldn’t tell anyone?
I have such a secret.
Four years ago it was thrust upon me. I have since struggled through a wounded journey toward living scarred and healing whole and sometimes I feel like this terrible secret has taken over my life. Saving others from its clutches in their own life… is now my mission.
I will not tell you this secret today. I’m not ready yet. But I’ve told a few people close to me (and I was outed to a few thousand people at a Tony Robbins seminar by the big man himself!), and today I made a pivotal decision that I struggled through, wide-eyed and tear-stained, all last night and this morning:
I’m finally going to go public.
Last week I spoke with a writer from a major national women’s magazine who is doing a piece I offered some input on. During our email exchange, and on a random whim I’m still not sure I comprehend, I blurted my secret to him. Intrigued, he asked if he could feature my story in his piece. At first I asked for anonymity, but my gut kept nagging at me… it was time to let go of the fear that silenced me.
And so today I sent him an email detailing at length every nuance of my secret. The parts I was ashamed of, the parts that forced me to pause, curl into a ball, and just hold myself and cry. I’m not trying to be dramatic here – just real. Because I am pretty sure you can resonate with what I’m telling you.
We all have that secret. That pain. That fracture.
I don’t know if he’ll run the story. If and when he does, I will also go public on my blog and share the story here as well. You’ve been with me from the start; it seems only fair. This story is the reason I decided to start a women’s transformation company so I always knew this day would come… eventually. It’s just so true that we’re never truly ready when the day does come.
Right now I just want to say that I have experienced a measure of grace, an overwhelming self love and healing today, in simply embracing authenticity in the part of me that scares me most… enough to go public with my most deeply traumatic secret in a major f’in publication! Yeah way to come out of the woodwork, Jaime! But it’s just my style.
I thought long and hard on this these past days. It wasn’t an easy decision to come by. But in choosing this: choosing to be open, choosing to love myself enough to share my wounds and the ugly bits so that others can benefit… I was faced with the magic in all this. I am really understanding how the very things that will save us, make us whole, deliver us bliss – are always and forever made of the things that wound us, break us, fracture and terrorize us.
And I couldn’t be happier for that knowledge! Even as I’m a bit baffled by it.
So here’s to being in wonder, being in the process, and being just a tad bit easier on ourselves.
You can consider this the quintessential ballad every rockstar must include on her album. 
Oh and gratitude and love to Rachel Rofe who helped me through this over the past 24 hours. Your help and gracious love and understanding are deeply felt and appreciated, Rachel! I love you dearly.
WOW Jaime!!! I am so proud of you for doing this!
You are so powerful and amazing, and I can’t tell you how much I respect and admire your doing this. I know it’s not that easy and it takes a LOT of guts and courage to be that vulnerable.
It’s so amazing how you’re going to influence, for the better, thousands upon thousands of people just by being who you are.
I love you so, so, SO much.
you know i got your back- always have, always will. stand up and share your light
I’ve never met a woman whose core is as amazing and powerful as yours. I admire you for sharing this to the world, it’s a moving story that needs to be told. When you finally share this to those around you something miraculous comes about; it only makes you a stronger person!!
@ Rachel – You are such an inspiration to me and thank you for helping me move past the fear.
@ Eli – you’re a treasured friend I hope to spend more quality time with soon! Let’s stand up and share our light together!
@ Guess – I know who you are now, but I won’t tell.
Thank you for your support. I know you’ll be inspiring many with your story soon as well!
I heart you! Jaime you are an inspiration to me and so many others! Thank you for being the light, you are truly a gifted soul.
Thank you James! I feel just a tad bit empty having not yet connected with you and Jess face to face in soooo long.
Together we are absolutely going to change the world and heal the hurt. Connecting with Jess, seeing how she and you and others hold such space for any wounded woman… it gave me strength to move toward this decision.
I love you both!
Jaime, you don’t know me but I know who you are. Your courage and strength will be an inspiration to people all over the world, my thoughts are with you.
Caroline, your presence is felt and I deeply appreciate you. The enormous response this post has gotten gives me the courage I need to truly rise to this occasion. It still feels so much bigger than me.
I am honored to have you here with me. Thank you!
You have the courage and everything you need to not only rise but to conquer this and every challenge. Your light shines brightly, it will banish darkness from the souls of so many and show them there is a way out and into their amazing lives.
Proud of you Ms.M
Love and support always being sent your way. You are a powerhouse!
Jaime,
You’ve always been an inspiration to me in our past contacts (Turbo-Charged Consulting/Boomtown). I applaud your courage in being willing to share your pain so that, by sharing it, you hopefully can help others.
May this bring healing to you and to others.
Jaime,
Wishing you strength and courage as you move into this…
I remember reading that courage has french and/or latin roots: corazon: which translates to heart.
Your heart is good, your heart is big, you will rock it! I’ve heard you mention about this “secret” several times in person but never wanted to ask.
Looking forward to ending the suspense and seeing what fantastic doors it opens for you.
All my Best,
David
PS- Here it is straight from etymonline.com:
c.1300, from O.Fr. corage (12c., Mod.Fr. courage) “heart, innermost feelings; temper,” from V.L. *coraticum (cf. It. coraggio, Sp. coraje), from L. cor “heart,” which remains a common metaphor for inner strength.
Jaime,
I can’t wait to read your story you are going to share. Something is telling me I have missed it? Have I as the others people are responding like they know your story. You are an inspiration and I have not known you long and with your zest for life and the living, you will attain great heights which you have already. Forgive me for my ignorance but I can’t help thinking I’ve missed something?
…God… …Goddess… bless you and their grace be with you, Ariel
Whatever it was Jaime, it sounds like you have turned that experience into a story of grace, triumph and healing.
Perhaps you were compelled to tell someone about it so you could finally let it go and set yourself free.
Now that it’s out there, it can only serve as an inspiration to others.
Thank you for being you.
Dear Jaime,
I am so proud of you going on your way towards sharing your secret with us. I admire you for your strength and is really important for you to tell us. Jaime you are a beautiful lovely person and your secret is too because it is part of you.
To your success
Ariel GB Kennedy