My trip to Arizona was absolutely incredible. I cherished every moment of it. I particularly loved Flagstaff and Sedona.

But I ended up having to cut it short and return home a few days early. Why? Because I started having incredible abdominal pain.

I knew before I left that I have uterine fibroid tumors. These are benign tumors that grow in the uterus that, if too large, can cause extreme pain, discomfort, and destroy the uterus. Talking to my doctor while in Arizona it was clear I needed to return home immediately and schedule a consultation for surgery.

Then the Real Pain Started…

I could handle the abdominal pain. What really crushed me was my consultation with the surgeon.

“We never like to do this surgery on women who wish to have children. We’ll reconstruct your uterus but there’s no guarantee that you’ll be able to give birth afterwards.”

Luckily she followed that up with, “But I’m fairly confident that you’ll be alright.”

Of course that brief comfort was easily buried by the next admission. “I suggest you seriously consider having children in the next few years if that is your wish. Because fibroids have a large re-occurrence rate and should yours come back your uterus will not survive another surgery and you will be hard pressed to carry a child to term that has to fight the fibroids for space. The fibroids typically win.”

So even if I can have children, I’ll have to arbitrarily decide to get pregnant - not because I’m in love, not because I’m ready to take that step in my life - but because if I can give birth at all, it will be in a one-shot deal, in a small window of opportunity.

That really devastated me. I’ve been in a funk all week. I haven’t even told my parents yet or some of my closest friends. I’ll be calling them today.

But after sitting with all this for the past week, and feeling completely drained of any desire to function or work or be productive, I was able to come full circle to my bliss…

Because Some How Pain is a Powerful Gateway to Growth and Liberation

That doesn’t mean that we should seek pain. But challenges and discomfort force us to see life and ourselves with a new perspective. We begin asking ourselves the tough questions. And we review our attachments with tear-stained, and hence clearer, eyes.

The bliss in the pain is the recognition that if we can release our desired outcome and trust that no matter what, at our essence, we are alright - nothing can truly harm us. I can have anything and everything material (meaning made of matter, not necessarily monetary) taken from me and it still doesn’t change my evolution here as a human being and spiritual entity. I truly believe that.

I had to meditate on this every night for seven days to finally feel it though. I knew it intellectually but dammit, emotionally I was still a wreck.

I’ve never been that girl who planned my wedding from infancy or labored over the perfect baby names for half my life…but I always knew that having children would be important. That it was one of the ways I could be of service and really make a difference.

Having that jeapordized really took its toll.

But I also know that I am in full trust and that anything I am meant to do will occur, against any odds. And if I can’t have a natural birth there are so many other options.

Most importantly, I faced something that really made me feel robbed. I connected at such a deep level with my innate desire to eventually have a child by natural birth. It was beautiful to 1) connect with that desire and then 2) let it go. To know that either way I am happy.

I wish I could accurately describe the liberation in recognizing a deep desire and then releasing it. It brings me one step closer to living the truth that I am always alright and always all right. Pain is perspective. It is NOT essence.

But now I’m babbling… :)