Danger in a Woman’s Sexuality: A Manifesto
Oct 20
Something very important and very deep is happening over at Dare2Rise.com: our 60-day challenge.
So important, I had to share it here on my blog. It is the question: Is there danger in a woman’s sexuality?
My answer to our community became somewhat of a personal manifesto…
Here is what I wrote:
The Question: Will a Woman’s Demonstration of Her Sexuality Inspire Predators to Harm Her or Take Advantage of Her?
A woman close to me, whom I love dearly, emailed me last night. She was concerned at my playful but blatant sexuality in yesterday’s Luv Tap. If you didn’t see the email, it mentioned a cupcake place we found called “Lick It, Bite It, or Both.”
Due to my personal history of being molested and raped, she was worried that such a demonstration of sexuality could be misconstrued by predators and call them out of the woodwork to bother me.
This called to me and Angela as a major concern we needed to discuss here with all of you, because relationships (including romantic AND business), our human sexuality and even attraction are all based on polarized power dynamics.
If we women hold a collective fear that we can be harmed, taken advantage of or victimized whenever we display our sexuality… imagine how that holds us back in every area of our lives?
What this tells us is that we women naturally go to a place of limiting ourselves, shutting down parts of ourselves that others may use against us… we choose to live only a part of our being in order to stay safe. This is not a woman’s fault – we are taught that we must do this by society and the world we live in. But it’s not society’s fault either. We are human beings, and unfortunately violence against women is part of the darkness we are attempting to evolve beyond as a species.
Here’s the deal though: Ladies – I’ve been there. I’ve lived a life of timid fear of being victimized and I’ve survived the reality of being victimized. I’ve experienced a belittling of myself in order to stay safe and seen that it doesn’t work.
I’ve also brazenly lived from my total self, spoken my truth, unashamedly celebrated my sexuality and sensual nature as a woman… and I can tell you that only when I started living life in this last way, did the predators STOP coming around.
So if you (ladies) have ever feared being your total wild, complex, feminine self… if you ever watched your every word, stance, or non-verbal cue to make sure that no part of your sexuality leaked out… if you’ve ever feared being taken advantage of or harmed if you did not keep some part of you silent…
Please know that it is very rarely a woman’s sexuality that calls a predator to harm her. It is NOT our demonstrations of elegant sensuality, or an empowered, tasteful sexual comment that triggers a predator. Why? Because these demonstrate power in a woman. Not weakness. When a woman tastefully and openly speaks her total truth (and yes, our sexuality is part of our total truth), she is owning her power as a woman. This does not mean that a woman’s sex is her power. No, it means that our freedom to express our sensual nature comes from stepping into who we are and owning our total self… and THAT is power.
For those of you who fear triggering a predatory response, or who don’t want to be harmed or mistreated by men, let me explain what does trigger a predator.
Predators actually don’t respond to sex. It has nothing to do with sex or a woman’s sensuality. It’s all about power dynamics. When a woman displays a lack of power… that’s when the predators come out. And we women can display a lack of power when we demonstrate a lack of self-trust. It happens when we repress our sexuality in order to stay safe. Our repression actually signals to the predator that we’re afraid of sexuality – and now he knows how to gain power and leverage over us… he uses our sexuality against us.
But when we own our sexuality in a healthy way (not overt or in your face, just as an integrated part of our total, whole self), we have not created a shadow form of our sexuality that can be wielded against us.
Lastly, I want you to know that this entire conversation… all these concerns… aren’t really about a woman’s sexuality.
It’s about a woman’s right to fully speak her truth.
And this is why Angela and I are here, delivering daily free advice and support through Dare 2 Rise. It’s why we’re building our women’s transformation company. These are the ways we are choosing to speak our truth, and to give women everywhere a voice to speak theirs.
Because several years ago I came to a crossroads where I could choose to heal, or choose to die. And I realized that if I did not commit myself to fight for a better world, to lead the charge for women to heal and feel comfortable being our natural, wild, sexual selves… then my only alternative was to stay broken, stay scared, and stay empty. And then why live at all at that point? So I chose the harder path to heal, to fight, to love and to unashamedly be my total self.
That was the only thing that got me through. And now I’m living that mission. No woman or man should ever be afraid to speak their truth. None of us should reduce our radiance and total self just to stay safe.
Today, ponder all of this. Where does it sit with you? How does it make you feel?
And perhaps ask yourself: How are you not currently living and speaking your truth? Might you be living small in some way… or attempting to kill off some part of you that feels dangerous to you… or that opens you up to some perceived weakness?
And then tell yourself, under no uncertain terms, that when you are ready: You can and absolutely will stand for your own truth. In totality. And in complete acceptance and love.
We also stand for you and your total truth.
As our tribe grows here, we will stand together for each others’ truth. Unanimous. Unshakable. Unyielding. And we will not be moved.
My original post at Dare2Rise is HERE.
Jamie, you’re getting a standing “O” over here today. Your article and reflections reflect a courage and commitment that we’ll surely be sharing with the delightful lady leaders who make up a highly valued part of our community.
Keep up the amazing work you do. It’s deeply appreciated.
Ice cream on me when you get to our corner of paradise.
~peter~
Thank you Peter. And thank you for sharing with the ladies in your world and community.
Have I told you how honored I am to be your best friend lately?
BEAUTIFUL.
Thanks Rachel! I feel the same way about being YOUR best friend.
And thank you for always making me smile.
Jaime:
Well spoken. You have an alluring, assertive quality that a lot more should see and here. Bravo on the post. Dug,stumbled and shared
Whoo Rahhh! Love your spirit girl!
Welcome insights as always.
I continue to applaud you, Jaime. It takes the strengths you have been designed with, and relying on them, to be able to present your views as you do.
Many women need to read (and LISTEN!) to what you say, and be bold enough to live in the light of their entire sexuality. Not meaning, sexual, though it is part of the package – you do well in presenting your full feminine aspect and insight.
Bravo!
Thankyou Jaime, I am currently in-between express it, hide it, feeling unsafe, safe and at my inner most being I yearn to feel completely as if feels so natural. I get this is a reflection of my whole entire life, of which I am totally over now and are going to take ownership of that thanks to your article. Thanks to Gorgeous Girls like you we remember who we are.
I am a new fan, follower and sister on the path.
Thank you for your perception, courage and ability to communicate.
I have spent the last few years coming home to my juicy powerful sensual feminine self. It is a transformative process and I am excited to hear other women speak their truth.
Our sexuality needs to stand in the Light.
The world hungers for it.
Your post ROCKS! Much food for thought here. When someone finally gave me the experience of being utterly vulnerable yet absolutely safe, it was a revelation. Out of that vulnerability, my greatest power emerged.
Hi Jaime,
Exciting words you’ve shared with us, as a man; I keep on learning what is the mistery about women, as I know that man are just part of the marvelous human race, and in order to achieve the love, peace and transformation we seek in the world we must first understand how to share and love our women.
I appreciate your courage and clarity, Jaime!
Thank you for speaking your truth!
Thank you for speaking out so clearly and strongly on this topic. I have four daughters I will be forwarding this to who will benefit hugely from this message!
Jamie, First time ‘comment poster, long time reader.’ Great post and I’m very happy that see that you are so can transparent and truthful in your posts, especially online to a complete world of strangers. That my friend deserves a toast (or a cup of your favorite tea I suppose lol). Take care. Matt Santi
1. you’se know how i feel about men who use women as punching bags. So i wont go there
2. sexual assault is seldom about “sex” it’s about violence
3. And at the expense of pissing off your female fan base…I’ve lost count of juries who let a rapist go because of the way the “woman was dressed” etc etc. Shameful.
4. As usual you are dead on, girl.
5. See u Sunday for the final swan song. Can’t wait…and I’m on so much medication…..I’ll be able to keep my yap shut.
much love, Vince
How many “beautiful”women go out to clubs, bars, dinner and no man approaches them? They are intimated by their beauty/sexuality and never even talk to them, much less assault them. I get intimated by them myself.
These men prey on women who appear weak, or helpless. They would be completely intimated by a strong confident woman. So the most confident woman in the room is actually safer than anyone else. Women tend to show that confidence through dress, and sexy means confident in themselves and their looks and body.
But every woman’s comfort level with dress is different, but hiding in clothes becomes obvious. I’ve found my wife some of the sexiest in some old torn jeans and a sweatshirt. Then I love her in a little mini-skirt and heels. So sexuality can come out no matter dress, it’s an attitude of confidence and not hiding.
Congratulations on healing and moving on. It’s a much better life.
Brian, you make some great points. I just want to add that I’ve noticed we can’t determine whether a woman (or anyone) is confident based on clothing alone (I figure you know this, but just want to clarify for anyone reading who may not have picked up on that point in your comment).
Confidence is communicated by how a woman wears that clothing – her posture, eye contact, demeanor and overall “vibe.” I see many women in sexy clothes that still look sheepish, uncomfortable, or seriously searching for someone to talk to them. Even though their clothing is confident, they can still be viewed as easy targets. And, as you say, there are women in hoodies and sweatshirts that still look like bombshells because they ARE confident and carry a sexy posture/vibe.
I’m pretty sure this is exactly what you meant in your post, but just wanted to add clarification as this is a touchy topic and some people won’t automatically connect the dots.
It amazes me, as Vegas Vince so powerfully pointed out in another comment… that our culture even considers what a woman was wearing during a rape case – as if it’s our fault if we dress sexy or provocative. Such dress wouldn’t be “asking for trouble” if men didn’t deliver said trouble without permission. And no, sexy outfits do not permission make.
As we stop suppressing and repressing sexuality as a culture, we’ll see these sorts of judgments and actions fall away. Let’s hope that’s soon!
This statement says it all, “It’s about a woman’s right to fully speak her truth.”
It is my contention that there is nothing more powerful in this universe than the demonstration by a woman in her full womanhood… all the men be damned. Take Athena for example, she ain’t no chump… Also consider that Jesus was born through a woman, the most influential figure of the last two thousand years came into this reality through a woman, without her, there is no Jesus.
The only danger a woman in her fullness is, is that she can break the deranged pride of all the men she comes into contact with, making them all the better anyway…
It is also my contention that any man who belittles a woman and makes them to “less than” him, is a man who is stuck wading in a pool of misery of which he can see no way out so he intends on bring others into his pool. He’s the fool…
Now, more than ever, it is vitally imperative that the women of this planet rise in a chorus of the deep love that resonates in every movement of their being. Men struggle to feel this love, women breathe it with every breath.
Look at what happened in Egypt, a young lady called out to the men to stand and rise, in a culture where women are supposed to be submissive, she said “forget culture, rise up.”
In a lot of ways, she is the prototype for the rest of the women of this planet…
PLEASE, I beg you, speak up and let your voice be heard. You standing and speaking your truth is more vital to the outcome of this planet than anything any one man can do alone.
Women are the sacred guardians of this planet, we simply forgot that, the men are here to hold the women in a space of pristine grace. Any intention other than that by the part of man demonstrates that the man is in some ill conceived notion of his own mind, NOT reality.
Please women, STAND UP, I want to hear your voice, as do a great deal of many other men that I know. Even the ones who think they don’t, deep down, they do.
Much Love,
Michael Phoenix
Thank you, these are such important points for us to embrace in healing ourselves… and the world.
You are so right about the strength of a woman being in her ability in her presence or action to carry her power high. You need to get this message to the youth of today for those who will be exposed to the uncles and strangers who might predate on them. I support all you have said and wish that you never have to go through that pain again in any form. Well done and keep spreading the word.
Thank you thank you THANK YOU!!
ALL of you… I really needed to read this, today of all days.
Best Christmas present thus far.
Thank you for all the good work you are doing.
You are so welcome Lucrecia! And yes, I too am so touched by the community of people here who all share their thoughts, inspiration and stories in the comments.
We have a truly special thing here.
Jaime,
It’s with regret that I learn of your abuse in the past and it’s good to see that you have healed and that you are growing in many areas of your life
Fear of rejection can and will hold back anyone, male or female and many of the things that I have done such as martial arts and public speaking were to overcome those fears. In fact the best way for me to overcome that fear was working on a promotional stand at a fair and having to approach people.
Everyone has intuition as to whether or not someone else is vulnerable or not. I’m not sure if it’s my martial arts training or natural ability but I find it very easy to read people’s intent, strengths and weaknesses even just walking down the street. I encourage people to do at least some self-defense training more so to show confidence in the first place. So to use everything you have – your looks, the way you dress, the way you walk, speak and look at people will change people’s impression of you. Not just avoiding being a victim but owning the space.
Even if a person does make themselves vulnerable to predators in some way, this is no excuse for the predators to behave the way that they do. I am concerned that this partially puts the blame on the victim and I reject that. If anyone blames themselves for being vulnerable then they should forgive themselves for that.
What people seek more than anything else in the world is recognition and validation. Even an enemy might be turned into an ally by recognising their differences, whilst not agreeing with them. Even making friends requires recognition and acknowledgment. If you can give people what they want and lose nothing from yourself then you gain power and control, in the best way possible.
You are awesome Jaime, keep it up xxx