Something very important and very deep is happening over at Dare2Rise.com: our 60-day challenge.
So important, I had to share it here on my blog. It is the question: Is there danger in a woman’s sexuality?
My answer to our community became somewhat of a personal manifesto…
Here is what I wrote:
The Question: Will a Woman’s Demonstration of Her Sexuality Inspire Predators to Harm Her or Take Advantage of Her?
A woman close to me, whom I love dearly, emailed me last night. She was concerned at my playful but blatant sexuality in yesterday’s Luv Tap. If you didn’t see the email, it mentioned a cupcake place we found called “Lick It, Bite It, or Both.”
Due to my personal history of being molested and raped, she was worried that such a demonstration of sexuality could be misconstrued by predators and call them out of the woodwork to bother me.
This called to me and Angela as a major concern we needed to discuss here with all of you, because relationships (including romantic AND business), our human sexuality and even attraction are all based on polarized power dynamics.
If we women hold a collective fear that we can be harmed, taken advantage of or victimized whenever we display our sexuality… imagine how that holds us back in every area of our lives?
What this tells us is that we women naturally go to a place of limiting ourselves, shutting down parts of ourselves that others may use against us… we choose to live only a part of our being in order to stay safe. This is not a woman’s fault – we are taught that we must do this by society and the world we live in. But it’s not society’s fault either. We are human beings, and unfortunately violence against women is part of the darkness we are attempting to evolve beyond as a species.
Here’s the deal though: Ladies – I’ve been there. I’ve lived a life of timid fear of being victimized and I’ve survived the reality of being victimized. I’ve experienced a belittling of myself in order to stay safe and seen that it doesn’t work.
I’ve also brazenly lived from my total self, spoken my truth, unashamedly celebrated my sexuality and sensual nature as a woman… and I can tell you that only when I started living life in this last way, did the predators STOP coming around.
So if you (ladies) have ever feared being your total wild, complex, feminine self… if you ever watched your every word, stance, or non-verbal cue to make sure that no part of your sexuality leaked out… if you’ve ever feared being taken advantage of or harmed if you did not keep some part of you silent…
Please know that it is very rarely a woman’s sexuality that calls a predator to harm her. It is NOT our demonstrations of elegant sensuality, or an empowered, tasteful sexual comment that triggers a predator. Why? Because these demonstrate power in a woman. Not weakness. When a woman tastefully and openly speaks her total truth (and yes, our sexuality is part of our total truth), she is owning her power as a woman. This does not mean that a woman’s sex is her power. No, it means that our freedom to express our sensual nature comes from stepping into who we are and owning our total self… and THAT is power.
For those of you who fear triggering a predatory response, or who don’t want to be harmed or mistreated by men, let me explain what does trigger a predator.
Predators actually don’t respond to sex. It has nothing to do with sex or a woman’s sensuality. It’s all about power dynamics. When a woman displays a lack of power… that’s when the predators come out. And we women can display a lack of power when we demonstrate a lack of self-trust. It happens when we repress our sexuality in order to stay safe. Our repression actually signals to the predator that we’re afraid of sexuality – and now he knows how to gain power and leverage over us… he uses our sexuality against us.
But when we own our sexuality in a healthy way (not overt or in your face, just as an integrated part of our total, whole self), we have not created a shadow form of our sexuality that can be wielded against us.
Lastly, I want you to know that this entire conversation… all these concerns… aren’t really about a woman’s sexuality.
It’s about a woman’s right to fully speak her truth.
And this is why Angela and I are here, delivering daily free advice and support through Dare 2 Rise. It’s why we’re building our women’s transformation company. These are the ways we are choosing to speak our truth, and to give women everywhere a voice to speak theirs.
Because several years ago I came to a crossroads where I could choose to heal, or choose to die. And I realized that if I did not commit myself to fight for a better world, to lead the charge for women to heal and feel comfortable being our natural, wild, sexual selves… then my only alternative was to stay broken, stay scared, and stay empty. And then why live at all at that point? So I chose the harder path to heal, to fight, to love and to unashamedly be my total self.
That was the only thing that got me through. And now I’m living that mission. No woman or man should ever be afraid to speak their truth. None of us should reduce our radiance and total self just to stay safe.
Today, ponder all of this. Where does it sit with you? How does it make you feel?
And perhaps ask yourself: How are you not currently living and speaking your truth? Might you be living small in some way… or attempting to kill off some part of you that feels dangerous to you… or that opens you up to some perceived weakness?
And then tell yourself, under no uncertain terms, that when you are ready: You can and absolutely will stand for your own truth. In totality. And in complete acceptance and love.
We also stand for you and your total truth.
As our tribe grows here, we will stand together for each others’ truth. Unanimous. Unshakable. Unyielding. And we will not be moved.
My original post at Dare2Rise is HERE.